So I Got Drunk and Revisited 1987’s
“Claymation Christmas Celebration!”
So it being December and all, and me not having anything better to do than get drunk off old beer and watch 80's cartoon specials, I present to you a inebriated stroll down Memory Lane!!
- Alright! C3 !
- Featuring the
- So we open in London's Christmas Square, apparently, in what can only
be assumed to be a post apocalyptic world where man has either fallen or
interbred with other species to create a new race of highly evolved
animals, intent on continuing ancient religious rituals.
- Also, Dinosaurs. Why Dinosaurs? Did
John Hammond get curious on those lonely Isla Nublar nights? Also also,
how these highly evolved talking animals built and maintained the social
infrastructure without opposable thumbs is just one of the many questions
left unansw….Wait, what’s that?
- Sweet Jesus!
- Rex and Herb, the pre-historic odd
couple. ..these guys totally have a thing going on. Herb is definitely a
TriceraPOWERtop, amirite!?
- Lolz, dogs selling waffles.
- This was always my favorite segment
and yet it always scared the crap out of me. Why did the camels have
sneakers and cleft lips? Why were they so rude with their sassy interruptions??
“’Sup Gurl?”
“Ooohhh, Ohhh....Jesus Christ!”
- Is that a moustache?? Is it tied on
there? Did he kill someone for it???
- Hipster camels are hipster.
“Herb, you fuckin’ fatass”
- Good God! Why do they Have teeth!?
- Wilford Brimley bell is an ass! <a
“I will punch the shit out of you!”
- Are those eggs? Is that one selling her
unborn children??
?
- One of the weakest Xmas songs makes
for one of the trippiest segments. This is some inception shit right here.
“Dude…what if, like, the whole world is
just somebody else’s Christmas ornament?..”
“All Heil Klaus!”
- I don’t know what’s more terrifying; the Stoned
Turd, the Pedo Saltwater Taffy, or the Donut’s socks and sandals combo. SNAP SNAP
- We must go deeper!
- Terrifying. Hope slave elves have workers comp.
- So these elves obviously have powerful
magic at their disposal, and yet still feel the need to put the most
decrepit looking elf on bicycle power duty. Maybe it’s his punishment for
wanting to unionize.
“Good for nothing Kris, passed out drunk at
7pm. He hasn’t touched me in years. Glad I’m banging bicycle elf in the
dimension next door…”
“Dude, let’s go to 7-11”
“Lol Where’s our parents?”
- Rule 34, no exceptions. #WalrusBewbs
- Alright, I stand corrected, THIS is the trippiest segment. Never take peyote before going to church. Once that sitar kicks in, shit gets real. It’s funny they’re talking about joy, because this looks like souls being tormented for eternity.
- Don’t let the fireworks fool you,
these are the souls of the damned.
- Alright, finally, The
- You telling me that the famous singing
and dancing sensation that are The
- Pimp as fuck.
“Onward bitches!”
- Plot twist: They were actually in the
dressing room the whole time shooting up with the camels from the first
bit.
“You kids wanna buy some drugs?”
- Of course the one’s bringing the booze
are Leprechauns
“Turn down for what?!” (GIF)
“Getting real tired of your shit, Herb…”
- Wait, he acknowledges that this was
all a 'Claymation special'? Doesn’t this bring new terrifying existential
implications to light for them?
EPILOGUE
- Shortly thereafter, Herb died of a
massive cardiac arrest.
- Despite being life partners, Rex did
not hesitate to eat Herb's corpse, like the merciless predator that he is.
- The
- A.C, the lead singer of the group, died
of a heroin overdose,
- And Slick the manager, was arrested
for domestic violence and money laundering.
- Mrs. Claus continues her love affair
with Decrepit Old Elf, behind Santa’s back.
- The kid’s parents still haven’t appeared.
- They remain too stoned to care.
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